“I was emotionally messed up and, truth is, I hated myself….”
I was nominated by a few people on Facebook to share some pictures of me that make me feel beautiful. I’m posting them here, because I want to also share why they make me feel beautiful, in hopes of inspiring others: 1. I was very, very sick… and also very wounded inside. I was emotionally messed up and, truth is, I hated myself. I had so many labels by the medical community; some were pretty serious: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Narcolepsy, Metabolic Syndrome, depression, anxiety, etc. I also had very severe digestive issues. In fact at one point, my body simply was not digesting food. If I ate salad (or most things) it came out in the stool looking exactly like it did (I assume) when I swallowed it. My body wasn’t breaking the food down and, as a result, I wasn’t getting nutrients. My hair was falling out, I had no energy, and quite frankly, I felt like I was slowly dying.
In fact, at that time in my life, I was so miserable that I wanted to die. I remember laying on the living room floor, feeling lifeless, thinking, “If life has to be this miserable, I don’t want to live it anymore“. It wasn’t the first time I had the thought of ending my life. It had been a recurring thought at various points in my life, since at least my teens. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor on Christmas Eve of 2010, with a bottle of Xyrem (a very strong liquid narcotic), contemplating why I should force myself to live any longer. I knew all I had to do was drink the bottle and I would simply go to sleep and never wake up. It would be clean; no mess for anyone to find.. and I could just peacefully go to sleep and never wake up. In fact, sleep became my escape in life. It’s no coincidence that I was diagnosed with narcolepsy. That night, as I lay bawling on the floor, grasping the bottle and debating whether or not to tip it and chug, I said a prayer. I asked for God, or my angels to please let me know I am not alone… and to show me I have a reason to live. Then suddenly, I felt warmth encompass my entire body in an undeniable way. I got so hot that sweat dripped down my torso and my hair turned wet. This had happened one other time in my life when I called on my guardian angels. There was a force greater than me, guiding me forward. Yet I was so far disconnected from it in 2010 that I didn’t know how to tap into it anymore… but that prayer.. it worked.. and I experienced that Force.. I knew it was there. I felt it. While this happened, an image of my daughter came into my consciousness… and I realized that as much as I didn’t want to be here anymore, I could not abandon her. I just couldn’t. It was somehow against Cosmic Law.
As a result of being so sick, I went on to lose my job and eventually I lost my home. I was devastated. I’d always been so independent and it felt like everything I had worked for my entire adult life was gone. Just like that. Gone. This photo (above) is from August 2009, right before I was diagnosed with narcolepsy (the rest are from 2013-2014). I’ve come a long way, baby!
2. Despite the doctors telling me I would be sick forever, I took responsibility for my own health. I researched relentlessly. I stopped focusing on being sick and I started focusing on being healthy. I learned the power of a healthy lifestyle and of Green Juice – and what it could do for my body, my skin and… look at the clarity in those eyes! Equally important, I discovered how to tap into that Force and reconnect with my own Spirit; my Divine and that part of me that is All-Knowing. Slowly, I began to get better. 3. Still very sick (with a team of several different doctors who couldn’t figure it out), as long as I connected to my divine, ate a clean diet, and focused on the positive, I continued to improve. Although still very problematic, my digestion was improving.. and since my neurologist told me that yoga would help me, I forced myself beyond my limits and fears, and I signed up for a Yoga Teacher Training Course. Prior to this course, I had never set foot in a yoga studio before. My coach told me he didn’t think I was going to make it past the first 48 hours of the class. I didn’t either. This is a pic from the weekend of our finals. Still very sick, I did 11 hours of yoga in two days that weekend. I passed with flying colors, and I got certified through Yoga Alliance and through Siva Yoga Studios. That’s me in the yellow top. Green Juice, sprouts and healthy eating kept me alive physically, and through yoga, I also began to thrive. I’d lost over 130lbs and, although I look healthy and happy here, I wasn’t. I still struggled with my health. I still had moments where I didn’t want to live. I felt like I was a waste of space on the surface of this Earth. And I still hated myself. 4. Feeling like a loser because I was still sick and unable to support myself, I dropped to my knees one night and begged God to please show me what to do with my life; asking why I am in this situation; to use me as a vessel for the Higher Good… and to guide me on what to do next. A lot of what was wrong with me was neurological and digestive in nature.. so I didn’t “look sick”. During this prayer, I received a calling to go to India. I was told if I go to India, I would heal completely. I asked in this prayer how am I supposed to get to India? I have no money. I had not had any income for over a year at this point. I was told that the money would come. So I started taking steps toward making this trip and, just as my Divine had promised, I was gifted an airline ticket to India. So I left my home country, stepped out on a limb, took a leap of faith and headed off into a strange land where I knew nobody.. and re-discovered my own beauty, and the ability to completely surrender my life to God. 5. I took Spiritual Coach training at an Ashram in India. At this ashram I was taught how to employ ancient techniques and modern processes to help others who are suffering from the effects of their past or from awakening or ascension symptoms. I also went through these techniques, myself. I was initiated as a Spiritual Trainer and I was taught how to employ these techniques and how to initiate others to be able to give diksha (aka deeksha or blessing); an ancient hands-on technique which opens up the crown chakra, connects all the chakras, and activates ones Life Force Energy.
6. I traveled the world and freely shared this blessing with others.
7. This woman’s husband (below) asked me to give her a blessing. He told me that she was very, very sick. What I didn’t know (until afterward) is that she never lets anybody touch her and, if someone tries to touch her, she starts screaming and waving her hands. I gave her the blessing and she never screamed or flailed. There was only peace.
9. After only having done two classes of Ashtanga yoga in the USA, and still struggling with my health, I forced myself beyond my fears again and went to practice Ashtanga yoga. Ashtanga is a very intense, demanding form of yoga. I read on the internet that, for a 140lb person, it burns 771 calories in a 1.5 hour practice! It is not for wussies! Just sayin! And yes, I was PETRIFIED to walk into that yoga shala and practice next to these badass ashtangi’s who had been doing yoga for years. I felt so… inadequate on so many levels. But this is what I was guided to do, and so I did it. This pic is at Ajay Kumar’s shala (Sthalam8), where I first started.
Then I moved to Vijay Kumar’s shala, Ashtanga Saadhana. Ajay and Vijay are both wonderful yoga teachers. Here is a video of Vijay and his shala. I dream of being this graceful in my practice. Hey, anything is possible!
10. And even when I was tired and I really didn’t want to? That driving Force inside prompted me to GET UP and practice anyway. So I would drag myself out of bed at 5AM.. and head to the yoga shala. No, I’m not stoned in this picture (I don’t drink or do drugs); I’m simply exhausted:
11. I learned that I was in Asia… about two months after I went to India (India is in Asia). Haa ha ha ha! (I’m geographically challenged). So all the way across the world, I made lots and lots of beautiful friends, from all over the globe. I love you all!
12. And I learned how to cook from some of the most amazing chefs in existence! This particular one, Sandhya Vasudeva, has even authored a cookbook! If you’re ever in Mysore, you simply MUST go to her house to eat! Her cooking is to LIVE for!! Her cooking class changed my life! And while her cookbook is good, her lessons are better. I learned secrets I could’ve never gotten from a book! Thank you, beautiful Sandhya! I love you!
13. I lived with strangers and experienced more hospitality than I ever have experienced in my life! Thank you, Suresh! I love you, brother!! And thank you, Liz! Your hospitality is amazing! Love to you, beautiful woman and family!
14. I travelled outside of India and saw amazing things! And I learned travel techniques from some of the best. Thank you, Caz and Jessica.. your guidance probably saved my life! No Joke! I love you both!
15. I drove in some Cuh-RAZY traffic in a foreign land. Petrified and shaking the first time I drove my scooter off the lot.. I said a prayer and did it anyway. I saw my angels (in my mind’s eye) flying me down the street. A team of them! Three on each side, one up ahead and one following. They love me! It takes tremendous courage to drive in India (at least for a small town girl from Kansas!), where the roads are overpopulated, you drive into oncoming traffic without signals, people drive the wrong way, and nobody pays attention to those yellow lines going down the middle of the road (if there happens to be one). Plus! They drive on the opposite side of the street!
- (my driving glasses, before I got my new helmet)
- Here are a couple of videos of the traffic there in India. And yes, if you want to cross the street as a pedestrian, you really do just step into on-coming traffic! Would you drive in this?
16. I studied with great masters and I meditated in caves and temples where great masters once lived and meditated. Here’s a pic of me with Guruji B.N.S. Iyengar, a living legend in yoga and student of Sri. T. Krishnamacharya. Thank you Guruji, for teaching me that the demons I encountered years ago were only my own mind playing tricks on me! I love you!!
18. I began to see God.. Love.. in everything… and I knew I had a purpose to live.. I just didn’t know what that purpose was.. yet. These pictures were taken at the top of Mt. Arunachala in Tirruvanamalai. The heart-cloud pic is not photo-shopped. I took it from this mountain; the spot from which I took it is in the second pic below. I was on top of the world there!
19. The Universe brought about a situation to test my own self-love. I was tempted to have an affair with a married man. After some flirting and much thought, I realized that I was better than that and I wasn’t going to take on that karma and hurt myself (or him) that way. So instead, I stopped my ego from playing the same game it’s always played, of self sabotage. Now, I could see my own value… and I told the man that I deserve better than what he had to offer me and I moved on. I also realized that feeling lonely was a signal to me that I was not connecting to my divine, because when I am connected to Divine, I do not feel lonely at all. I once again turned back to Divine, laying my life in Divine’s hands, and I prayed for a man that would treat me well, allow me to be me and love me just the way I am; and always have my best interest at heart. Then I went about my life, trusting he would come in God’s time.
20. Soon after, I met the love of my life, a man that treats me like royalty and puts me first in all ways. He is my total best friend and I am so grateful for him. I love this first picture because when I look at it, all I see is sheer love on his face <3
21. I was initiated as an Angelic Reiki Master and learned how to work with the Angelic Kingdom of Light to bring one of the highest forms of healing to others. Reiki is so beneficial that it is now being used in hospitals! This healing technique can be given hands-on, or at a distance.
I now teach Angelic Reiki and give Angelic Reiki sessions, which is well known for it’s ability to help with awakening symptoms (AKA ascension symptoms). Becoming an Angelic Reiki Master changed my life so completely. My psychic abilities re-awakened prior to this course, but becoming an Angelic Reiki Master took them to a whole new level.
These pictures are of my Master initiation day. Check out the orbs! There’s one right in front of my heart chakra (on my friend’s arm; with the black shirt on) and a few up above my head on the left! There are others. If you expand the picture you can see them well. In the last picture there is an orb on nearly every single person in the photo – and up on the mirror – Nice! Our angels showed up for us! So blessed!
22. I learned that I am a Medical Intuitive and my life purpose is to coach, teach, train and be a channel for the inspiration, growth and healing of others. I no longer want to die. I now have many, MANY reasons to live. Here are a few of my testimonials:
26. I experienced miracle after miracle. I experienced God. And just as God promised me, today, I am healed. I can now digest food just fine. I no longer suffer. I can eat or drink anything I want. I no longer take the strong narcotics prescribed for Narcolepsy (so strong that it’s highly controlled and you can’t even get it at a pharmacy). In fact, I no longer take any of the prescriptions I used to take! I take one new prescription, which is a very mild anti-anxiety medication, taken only at night to help me to fall asleep. I’m down to 1/2 of a pill.. and I know (and my doctor agrees) that as I continue to transform, this medicine will soon be a thing of the past. I no longer want to die. I have many reasons to live. I am no longer sick. I am already healed on an energetic level. It’s just that a few things still have to catch up in this dimension. Thank you, God <3
27. And while I may not look aesthetically beautiful in all of these photos, they make me feel beautiful, because they remind me of my journey.. and my connection to Divine.. and how far I have come since those dark days where I lay on my living room floor waiting to die; wanting to die; wondering why I even exist in this life and feeling like I had no purpose and was just a mere waste of space on this planet. It is only through the Grace of God that I am alive today and it is by thy Grace that I live. My life is dedicated to Divine and serving the Highest Good. Thank you, God, for pulling me through my darkest days and delivering me into the Light so that I may be a beacon for others. My gratitude and love for you overflows as tears nearly every single day.
If this post or website has inspired you in any way, please share it, like my Facebook page, subscribe, and walk this Soulystic journey with me. My transformation continues. I was just awarded a scholarship to a school for Spiritual Coaching and Professional Psychic Development. This training is several thousand dollars. It is just one more confirmation that this is what Divine brought me here to do. I am so grateful, tears are flowing down my cheeks as I type this. I’m grateful for this life. I’m grateful for every breath I take. I am just. simply. grateful.
If you need prayer, or know somebody that needs prayer, please see this page. Message me and I will put your name in my Prayer Chamber. I pray over it daily. See it there in the picture above? It’s the silver container on the right. And yes, it’s free; and so is Love. If you are struggling, don’t give up. God has plans for you… all you have to do is ask for the guidance and believe it will come, and it surely will. Many, many blessings and much love to you!
In Love and Gratitude,